Saturday, October 17, 2009

Swine Flu Takes An Ugly Turn

I can't stop crying over Robert today. It's probably because I'm tired and feverish, but I miss him so badly... I can't get myself together. I love him so much and we were so great together. I keep thinking about all the plans we talked about for the future; what our life could be like. I can't understand why he cut me off. I know I'm supposed to think it's because he's damaged or immature or whatever, but what if it's just me? What if I'm not worth loving? What if nobody wants to be with me? Why is it only my girl friends and gay friends who tell me I'm amazing? That's like your mom telling you you're pretty. She has to say that; she's your mom! Meeting somebody that you're such a good match with is like catching lightning. It not something you throw away... Nobody is so damaged that they would throw love away, right? So, it must have been me. He probably wasn't in love with me in the first place. I wasn't worth the effort.

Crap. I'm such a baby.


  1. One day it will be clear to you - but not yet. Doesn't sound like he gave you any good reasons, and perhaps he wasn't aware of them either, and that's unfair. The only thing I can say for sure is that what's meant to be will be - and this is paving the way for the next big thing. Maybe what happened with Robert had to have happened in order to get you to where you are now. I'm a big believer in fate and destiny - you just have to accept that you can't have all the answers at once. That was the realization I had to come to when I was experiencing infertility - that there WAS a reason and one day it would be clear. It turned out our struggle to have kids made us a stronger couple and better parents. But I wouldn't have believed you then if you had tried to explain it to me a million times.
    Take lots of notes. Take care of yourself. Good things will happen.
    And it might be time for another dose of Tamiflu :D

  2. I haven't been on in a while and I'm catching up. Jen, I'm so sorry that you have been so ill. When I am physically sick I have perception issues. What I mean is that I can hear a conversation and make a judgement on it and most of the time I'm wrong. I've learned over the years to come to no conclusions about anything when I'm sick. So I would say to you, wait till you're training again before you decide on anything. Besides, who knows what personal issues Robert is facing within himself. His actions stem from him - not you.