Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I Need A Change Of Scenery

I don't know if anyone is still reading this experiment. I haven't been posting because I'm no longer feeling that initial momentum of excitement and motivation to make change happen. It turns out that real change is a slow and relatively uneventful process. I am being successful. I'm still averaging 1.5 pounds lost each week, and my fitness is improving in measurable increments. But doing the right things is becoming routine. Not easy, but not newsworthy.

I'm eating almost exclusively paleo-style now. I feel better, sleep better, and recover from workouts faster. When I do fall off the wagon and eat something loaded in sugar (say, Molly's birthday cake for example,) I pay the price with belly aches, lethargy, constipation, and acne breakouts. I do a Crossfit workout 4 times a week. I can do real box jumps now, clean and jerk 90 pounds, and I'm trying my damnedest to get to an unassisted pull-up. I'm no longer sore for 2 days afterwards. My body composition is moving in the right direction as I lose fat and gain lean muscle.

I do have setbacks. Mostly loneliness and emotional garbage knock me off course when it happens. I'm trying very hard to work on platonic relationships around me to fight my anti-social tendencies. Also, I don't have any work to put my passion into and that's got me feeling trapped in a holding pattern. I'm still waiting for the research job to get rolling or to hear back from the grad school program. I'm headed off on a trip to Texas this week to get out of my routine. I am absolutely committed to continuing with my workouts and good eating habits while away from home. I'm really hoping that this is a refreshing trip for me. I need some new energy or something to be excited about again.

Monday, February 1, 2010


I am stewing in my own impatience. Today was the due date for the doctorate program application. I'm not completely satisfied with the essay I wrote or the statement of purpose for that matter. They seem so mediocre. I have a sinking feeling that I might be out of my league in attempting to get into this program. It's a waiting game now.

As for the diet changes... it's been a struggle lately. The night I was trying to finish my essay, I was feeling particularly stressed and gorged on chocolate-chip cookies and ice cream. I'm craving starchy comfort foods like the junkie that I am. I'm discouraged that the good habits are not becoming any easier. I feel angry that I'm still forcing myself to eat veggies and feeling constantly deprived. Will I feel like this for the rest of my life?

The exercise is the only component that is going well. I've made real, measurable strides with Crossfit, and I'm feeling very proud of that. Then I turn around and beat myself up because I'm not losing weight fast enough. It's taking so freakin' long! At the rate I'm going it will take me a year and half to reach my goal. I've already been at it for 5 months! Is this really a 2 year process?

And then for whatever hormonal/seasonal/astrological reason, I'm really feeling the painful pinching in my chest due to being single. Everyone around me is in great, fulfilling partnerships. Why doesn't anybody want to be with me?

Blah, blah, blah. Trying to win the feeling sorry for myself championships, I guess.