How much is this costing me?

So counseling is not exactly what I was hoping. I've gone for a total of three sessions now. I can't decide if my problems are too mundane or if the solutions are too obvious. Either way, she's telling me stuff I already know. For example, when I tell her that I have compulsive eating behaviors, she suggests I used a structured program like Weight Watchers. Check. When I tell her that I binge when I'm stressed, she suggests that I make a list of other self-soothing techniques. Check. When I tell her why I'm stressed, my parents' and sister's health issues, she tells me that I can't control others only my own feelings about things. Check. Yeah, lady. I know all of this, but what happens when I don't stick to Weight Watchers, or I flip out about my mom's angiogram and then head straight to Burger King? I'm intelligent enough to know how I should behave, but not always able to do it.

Oh well, at least she's better than the first woman I met with. She tried to convince me that I should have never left church. It did not feel good to argue with a therapist on my own dime.

I did restart Weight Watchers this week. I had gained back 8 pounds since I fell off the wagon. That's not too bad. It could have been a lot worse actually. I'm re-recommitting. Again.

I'm Living the Dream

In CrossFit, every workout has a prescribed difficulty level. When you can do a workout at that prescribed level, without having to scale anything back, it's called doing it Rx. You might hear me say something like, "I did it in 18 minutes, but not Rx." That means I used less weight for a lift or maybe a lower box for the jumps. I have a friend at the gym who says that doing a workout at Rx is "living the dream." It's that goal that all of us are reaching for. This week, I joined the small group of women at the gym who can use the Rx weights in the daily workout. I still need to scale a lot of other things, like pull-ups, box jumps, muscle ups, pretty much everything else, but when it comes to lifting, I get it done. It feels pretty great to be talented at something. I have a gift for lifting heavy things.

I met with my coach one-on-one today to discuss what my personal goals are. My attitudes about so many things have changed since starting this process. I came into the gym eight months ago with one goal: get skinny. That's not even on my list any more. First of all, I've been putting weight on, but dropping clothing sizes. I'm burning fat and gaining muscle. This has made me stop caring about the number on the scale (almost.) Second of all, I realize now that being fit is more important than how I look. The stronger I get, the better I feel about my body regardless of the size. I feel comfortable doing physical labor, more confident in my physical capabilities, and more confident in myself emotionally too. All of this is happening without getting skinny. Finally, I'm starting to think of myself as an athlete. Athletes are motivated by things other than what size their ass is.

My attitude about the work has changed as well. I am enjoying the challenge more, pushing myself more, these days. I want to be the kind of person who works hard and doesn't quit or take the easy way out. Ultimately, my goal is really about being the best person that I can be. Part of being that best person is being strong and healthy no matter what size I end up being.