Don't Run Where You Can Measure

I did something dumb today. I ran on an official track. Up until today I had been feeling extremely proud of my growing fitness. I could only jog for a minute when I started. Now it's 25 minutes. That's huge. Feeling all full of myself I decided to run on the track at my kid's school to see how far I was going in that 25 minutes. Then I would know my pace. Guess what? A glacier could give me a run for the money. A woman WALKING passed me! I ran a 16-minute mile. In the running community that puts me in the Embarrassment-to-Land-Mammals category. Sheesh.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I did something today that made me really proud. A friend of mine ignored my request for communication and it didn't throw me. Instead of getting upset and trying to change my friend, I evaluated what would be the best thing for ME to do in the situation. In other words, I focused on changing myself. This is going to be hard to explain because I don't want to hurt my friend by revealing who it is and what they offered to do for me.

First of all, I was proud yesterday for keeping a level head in a conversation that was getting a bit carried away. I stopped and said to my friend, "I don't want to make a decision today. Let's sleep on it and talk about it again tomorrow." My friend offered to do something that I think was not genuine. In other words, I think the moment got the best of my friend and they offered something that they didn't really intend to. I wanted to have a discussion about it and ask some questions, but I felt like both parties needed to take a step back and think clearly first. I mean, I didn't even know what questions I wanted to ask in the heat of the moment. Anyway, today we did talk on the phone but my friend didn't talk about the offer again. When I asked my friend directly, they said they were going to keep thinking about it.

Now normally, if someone needed time to think something over, and it didn't impact me, I would say, "Of course. Take all the time you need." But in this case, it does impact me pretty substantially in terms of time and money and a decision needs to be made pretty quickly. And this friend decided that a discussion was not going to happen for whatever reason. They are going to make a decision independent of me and I have to assume that I'm supposed to do the same. I decided that I would just have to make the decision alone because there are factors that can not be discussed before a decision must be made. See, my friend is no longer available due to travel obligations.

This is where I typically would have thrown a tantrum. "Why won't you include me in the discussion? I have questions and I need more information! We should make major decisions together!" Blah. Blah. Blah. Then I realized that I already knew this is how my friend works. They never discuss decisions that impact me with me. They just keep information to themselves until they decide I need to know something. I am completely aware of this pattern. In addition, my friend is completely aware of how this infuriates me because I have asked them on multiple occasions to include me in a discussion about major decisions that impact me. So here we are. We both know the other one's modus operandi. I can't get mad at my friend for just being themselves.

What I can do is stop playing into this behavior. This time I'm not going to sit around and fret over what my friend "might" have meant, or whether or not I should move forward before the door of opportunity closes even without my questions answered. I am not going to badger my friend for more information again and again. I am simply going to take the knowledge that my friend didn't want to discuss this with me and make the decision for myself. Whether the offer was serious or not, I am not going to accept it. I will not invest my valuable time or money into an enterprise with someone who is either unwilling or incapable of showing me basic respect. And I think this is a respect issue. I have said to my friend, in no uncertain terms, that when they do not discuss things with me, it hurts my ability to make decisions for myself. Withholding information that impacts me is disrespectful.

Is this a maturity thing? I don't know. I genuinely believe that adults are capable of discussing their position with others. I want to have people around me who can tell me their opinion, ask questions and answer my questions, and not feel like they have to protect themselves. Just because I discuss options with someone does not mean I will decide for them. Nor do I assume that we will conclude in agreement. I want us all to retain our personal power and yet be able to share in the process of the decision. This is a basic courtesy, right?

Not Choice, Desire

I've been chewing over yesterday's post quite a bit. I don't think I expressed what I was feeling accurately. I know that being who I want to be is a matter of choice. That's not quite the epiphany that I was trying to verbalize. It really has something to do with desire. I WANT to make the right choices for me. That's what is new. I realize now that if I WANT something, I can just choose to do the work to get it. The only thing that can stop me from being who I want to be is me. If I want it bad enough, it will happen. If I want to be a strong woman, all I have to do is want to do the work. Or something like that...

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I wish you all the best! Jen

Who Is This?!

Today I had a lot of stuff going on in the morning and I didn’t know how to fit a workout in. I decided to set the alarm and go to the gym really early, before the kids were up getting ready for school. What? I wanted to get up early to exercise? Who am I? This behavior is completely unprecedented.

For years people have told me, “You’re such a strong woman.” I hear it quite often. Every time I hear that, there is a coda in my head, “It’s just a front.” People always say that I’m strong, but I’ve known all along that it’s just an act. I puff myself up big and make noise like I’m strong. I know how to sound like I’m a tough, rational woman, but it’s just pretend. I wish I were a strong woman, but the act is all I got.

Inside I’ve always known that I’m not really smart, not really savvy, and definitely not one to make sound choices. It’s just not who I am. A strong woman is not obese, divorced, and unemployed. I talk a great game though. Nobody can fake Strong Woman like me. That’s why I hear, “You’re amazing,” so often. And right after I hear it, my brain gives me the coda, “It’s just an act.”

One of the things that I was busy with today was meeting with a friend. I was commenting on some of the changes that have been taking place in my behavior and the impact on my relationships. My friend said, “Most don’t know how to deal with a strong, independent person.” It’s the first time that I’ve heard it that afterward there was just internal silence. No, actually there was internal agreement. I actually had to stop the conversation because I was having an epiphany in that moment. I am a strong woman when I CHOOSE to be. It’s not like I am genetically predetermined to be weak and depressed. It’s a choice, or rather, a series of choices! Today I chose to get up in the dark in order to go exercise. Tomorrow I’ll make choices at Thanksgiving dinner. I’m making choices about my behavior in relationships. I realize that I sound like an idiot saying this, but I can choose the things that will make me strong. I can choose to be a strong person through my actions. It’s just that simple, if I let it be that simple.

Redefining Jealousy

Jealousy is ugly. I’ve been thinking about this emotion in the last couple days. I’ve only ever been in love with two men. Angus was jealous of the idea of me with other men. Robert actually accused me of cheating on him. I’ve had other men express jealous thoughts. But what occurred to me recently is that I’ve never had a man jealous that my mind was going to something else or jealous that my heart was going to someone else. Men only get jealous of my sexual desire, or more specifically, who has access to my kitty. It’s not the essential Jen, my mind or my heart, that they are jealous about. It’s a body part. What is crazy is that both of these men had ample access to my kitty and for a variety of reasons didn’t take advantage, but boy, were they mad when the idea of somebody else getting it popped into their head. And thus it dawns on me that jealously is NOT a loving emotion.

I know, I know. It seems obvious right? Well, I’m a slow learner, ok? There was a time when I thought jealousy was flattering. “He loves me so much! He doesn’t want anyone to have me!” Oh, hell no. The reality is that he is so insecure that he can’t take anything that threatens his manhood. It’s all about him and his own ego. It has nothing to do with me what-so-ever. If anything, it’s damaging to me. When a man is jealous and dumps it on me, he is punishing me emotionally because he can’t handle his own inadequacies. Jealousy is not a man expressing his love for me. It’s an expression of his own fear and pain about himself.

Sheesh. I wish I had realized this a loooooooong time ago.

Fat Pressure

Warning: I'm going to ramble about science. Feel free to skip.

I checked a book out from the library called "Run for Life: the Real Woman's Guide to Running." It's a pretty good explanation of the biology and mechanics of running in regards to women's bodies. Anyway, I was particularly fascinated with the anatomy stuff: different muscle types, the cardiovascular system, and how joints work. But this stopped me in my tracks: "If you are overweight you should lose weight BEFORE starting a running program." Turns out that the extra weight puts extreme pressure on your knee and ankle joints. I mean, I knew that, but the description and terms like "psi" made me stop and visualize a heavy weight being dropped onto a pylon again and again. Obviously a bigger weight will do more damage than a small one.

So I wanted to know just how much my bigger weight is. I've been reading that your total body weight is not as important of an indicator as your fitness level, which is measured by percentage of body fat. For example, a body builder might weight more than me, but she's got more muscle and blood than I have. She would be more fit than me, even though she weighs more. I looked up what would be considered a healthy amount of fat and then took some measurements to calculate my own.

Obese woman: >32%

Average healthy woman: 25-31%

Physically fit woman: 21-24%

Elite athlete woman: 14-20%

Jen: 55%!

Over half of my body is fat. What a slap in the face.

Thankful

This week my Weight Watchers assignment is to meditate on what I'm thankful for besides food. This holiday in particular is all about food, so what can I focus on instead? The mental exercise is to "fill your plate" with all the things you're grateful for and then there will be less need to fill up the "empty space" with food. Get it? Corny, yes. Effective?

Everybody says family first, and I am thankful for my family, but that's pretty generic. Specifically, I am very thankful that my new living situation has freed up my mental and emotional energy to be loving to Griffin and Molly. Our relationship has been renewed. That means I'm very thankful that my parents are in the position financially and emotionally to support the three of us right now. We're a handful on both fronts.

I am immensely thankful that I was unable to find a job when I was frantically flailing around for one. Taking a year off to focus on me has been long overdue. I should have done it a long time ago. I was so busy driving myself forward that I never took any time to figure out what road I should be on. I am thankful that things are coming into focus in my heart and mind. I am beginning to see the woman that I want to be and the steps needed to get to her.

I'm thankful to Robert for dumping me. It was the final blow that made me say, "Enough!" I'm thankful to Cory and Terry for being my cheerleaders. I'm thankful to Stephanie for being my indefatigable guru. I'm thankful to Karin and Misty for being my down-to-Earth reminders to just be regular folk. And I'm very thankful to every one of you who has read this blog and sent me ideas and/or encouragement! I hear you and I take every message to heart!