Strong Sisters

Last night I was invited to a CrossFit ladies' potluck. Normally I would hate going to something like this. When I don't know anyone, I always end up sitting in the corner watching everybody else have a good time. But I really want some female friends in Eugene and everyone I've met at the gym has been pretty great. So I decided to get over it and go. I'm so glad that I did. All of the women, and there were quite a few different 'types', were really down to earth. There were a couple of moms my age, a couple of younger girls, a couple of older, some more girly than me, some less, but all really easy-going, cool women to know. CrossFit seems to attract the bullshit-free people.

The food was really good too. Everyone brought something paleo. Mine was pork loin stuffed with apples and raisins. Kelly even made a flour-free cake out of almond meal, bananas, and magic. It was delicious and totally satisfied the psychological desire for cake. Other lessons learned: fry your chicken in bacon grease, put bacon on your deviled eggs, put real bacon in your salad, and just worship at the altar of bacon as often as possible.

Robin, who I discovered a while back is blogging her metamorphosis as well at CrossFit Foxygen, hosted the party and I'm grateful. I want to be more social and these are amazing women to call friends.

Almost 40!

No, not 40 years! 40 pounds! As of today I've lost 37 pounds. I had been stagnant for about 5 weeks, holding steady at 220. This week I recommitted myself to tracking everything that I ate and making sure that I ate enough of the right foods and not many of the wrong foods. Voila! I lost 4 pounds and broke through my plateau.

Even though I have been discouraged about my body for the last month, I've stuck with it. I don't eat grains. I have dramatically reduced dairy in my diet. And I eat meat, meat, meat. I go to CrossFit three or four days every week. I am getting leaner and stronger. Slowly, but surely!

No Clever Title

This research team that I'm on is made up of 4 divorced women. 3 of us are currently single moms with children still at home. One of us is dealing with a custody battle in the court system. One of us already did it. And I potentially will be facing this in the future, if I pursue my desire to leave Oregon. We were all sitting around bitching about our ex-husbands and how we wish they would just disappear and let us raise our children alone. It's not like I wish Angus death; I just wish he would magically vanish.

Our team leader came in and started in on the father of her children. She sympathized with our feelings of frustration and anger over custody fighting and added, "I just hated my ex-husband. I really just hated him." But recently, she said, her perspective had changed. After years of fighting and hating each other, they had to sit together and watch their oldest son die of cancer. "I watched this man, that I had hated, care for our son. As our son lay there suffering, his dad soothed his face and lips with a cool washrag. And in that moment, I knew no matter how I felt about him, he was a good father."

This Chick Is A Sick Individual

This is what my hands looked like tonight after the workout. What the hell am I doing?

Today was really busy for me, but I went out of my way to go to CrossFit after dinner. I could have just taken a rest day. But I didn't want to miss it. This was my workout:

30 pull-ups

15 deadlifts with 135 lbs.

400m run

30 push-ups

15 push jerks of 75 lbs.

30 air squats

15 front squats with 45 lbs.

400m run

15 deadlifts with 135 lbs.

30 pull-ups

I actually finished the whole thing, although it took me 26 minutes. At the end I was shaking, trying to hold down vomit, and crying (just a little bit.) This is insanity right? Why am I doing this shit to myself? The most insane part? I thought it was great! People were cheering me on and talking me through the roughest spots. There was even a moment when Kelsi made me laugh in the middle of the epic suffering. What is going on here?

I'm not being facetious. I really want to understand this phenomenon. I'm punishing my body in ways I've never even thought possible. Yet, I'm enjoying it and signing up for more. Is this good for me? Is this just a new way to punish myself, but now physically instead of emotionally? I don't know. But I have this niggling feeling in the back of my brain that sane people don't act this way.

Where Did The Time Go?!

Well, I signed up for that half marathon, remember? I just looked at the calendar and it's in about 3 weeks! I'm so freakin' scared!

I stopped running back in January when I joined CrossFit because my coach said I'd build back up to running eventually. I was relieved and happy to put running out of my mind. Of course, now the race is here and I haven't picked running back up again. I have been doing a ton of other stuff however and I am significantly more fit than I was back in January. Just today I was doing an Olympic lift called the power clean. I love lifting! It makes me feel like the Hulk. Well, She-Hulk. (Side trivia: She-Hulk's name is Jennifer.)

Anyway, so I'm a bit scared about how long it's going to take me jog/walk 13.1 miles. At the same time, I'm incredibly excited to do it. The Eugene Marathon, in Track Town U.S.A., is a big race with people coming from all over the country to participate. There are going to be big crowds cheering me on. I get an official number with my name on it to pin to my shirt. It feels like "real" athleticism, if that makes any sense. Not everybody does this kind of thing. I'm really proud that I'm going to be one of the rare who do.

And when it's all over, I get my medal. I'm not going to ever take it off unless it rusts in the shower.

Watch Me Tie It All Together!

Let me recap: "Lost" romantic love is bullshit. Arranged marriages might have something going for them. I'm going to try really hard to make this all come together now.

I've been thinking a lot lately that believing in that epic, destined love is my problem. It keeps me holding on to something that isn't real and being sad that I don't have it, instead of being satisfied with what I actually do have. Robert keeps telling me to hold onto hope that we might someday end up together. In the meantime, we'll just work on being friends, (which by his definition is talking every day and being emotionally dependent on each other. That sounds like more than friends to me!) But wishing that Robert would change and want to be with me is absurd. He's so scared it would be funny if it wasn't so sad. He tells me daily that he loves me but will not act on that. It's just words. What am I getting out of this? Yes, he's a great friend, maybe the best I've ever had, but is it worth the emotional wear and tear? The longer this goes on, the less faith I have that it's ever going to be anything more than talking on the phone.

On the other hand, I have someone who treats me very well, is very kind, giving, demands nothing of me, and I have a satisfying physical relationship with, but he's made it very clear that he is not in love with me and doesn't want anything to do with my family. Given his age and place in life, I wouldn't want a family with him either. It's just friends with benefits. The more time I spend with him getting physical affection and companionship, the more I feel the clinging to Robert loosening. This man makes being single less lonely. I feel like he fills a niche that makes me less desperate for that romantic love. I have a good home situation and a good job now. I'm enjoying focusing on myself and working out. My family is taking up more of my time. I don't need to feel desperate anymore. I have room to be patient.

I feel like there is somebody out there for me. I just need to let go of this idea of once-in-a-lifetime love. There's probably hundreds of men that would be a good match for me. That's what I was getting at with the whole arranged marriage thing. It's more important to me that our personalities and behavior fit well together than that thunderbolt strike of "HE'S THE ONE." It's not like what I want is so unusual. I need to just get out there socially, keep making friends, and participating in life. Someday I will meet somebody who wants the same things as me and is willing to do the work to build a life together.

Where Was I...

I know a woman who was born and raised in India. She is beautiful, intelligent, strong, and educated. She has an advanced degree and works as a physical therapist. She has 3 amazing children from a 15-year (and happily counting) marriage. That marriage was arranged. One day we had coffee together and I asked a million questions about arranged marriages. She sold me on the idea. I asked her to find me a husband... I think she might have thought I was kidding.

When she was a younger woman, she came to live in New York City for college. She told me she had a very carefree and independent life, which she liked very much. She dated American men and lived like every other young American co-ed. After some time, and graduation, had passed she felt that she was ready to start a family. She told her parents and the search was on. I'm going to paraphrase her a bit here because the conversation was a couple of years ago. "My parents know me better than anyone else. They know my personality, my desires, and my values. They wouldn't send me a man that would be a poor match. Besides, they are more like a dating service. They weed out the men that I shouldn't waste my time with, and then set up meetings with the good candidates. I get the ultimate say in who stays and who goes."

So they found her a man who was also educated in America and therefore was more open-minded about politics, and the role of women, etc. He was intelligent and level headed, which was a good pairing for her passion. But most importantly, he wanted a family as well. She knew, because of their cultural background, that he would have the same priorities and values when it came to this potential family. Also, "he made me laugh." So after a few meetings between parents and some chaperoned dates, they married. At some point after that, she fell in love with him.

I love this story. It makes complete sense to me. Romantic love is such a fickle thing. Values like family first, supporting a woman's independence, even liberal or conservative politics, these are things that tend to be permanent. You can build a life on them. If I met a man who was educated, wanted to be on the same life path as me, supported my choices, AND made me laugh, of course I would fall in love with him. If you are both willing to put in the work to be kind, affectionate, and understanding of each other, love seems inevitable. It's the day-to-day work that really determines the success of a pairing. Romantic love rarely latches onto an object that is actually a good match. How much more reasonable would it be to find a life-partner this way? I especially like the part where somebody else helps strip the chaff from the wheat. I was dead serious when I asked her to find me a nice Indian man to marry, preferably one who looks like Naveen Andrews.

Argh! I'm out of time again. I really am going somewhere with this. Check back in tomorrow for the juicy stuff: my sex life.