Sunday, April 11, 2010

Watch Me Tie It All Together!

Let me recap: "Lost" romantic love is bullshit. Arranged marriages might have something going for them. I'm going to try really hard to make this all come together now.

I've been thinking a lot lately that believing in that epic, destined love is my problem. It keeps me holding on to something that isn't real and being sad that I don't have it, instead of being satisfied with what I actually do have. Robert keeps telling me to hold onto hope that we might someday end up together. In the meantime, we'll just work on being friends, (which by his definition is talking every day and being emotionally dependent on each other. That sounds like more than friends to me!) But wishing that Robert would change and want to be with me is absurd. He's so scared it would be funny if it wasn't so sad. He tells me daily that he loves me but will not act on that. It's just words. What am I getting out of this? Yes, he's a great friend, maybe the best I've ever had, but is it worth the emotional wear and tear? The longer this goes on, the less faith I have that it's ever going to be anything more than talking on the phone.

On the other hand, I have someone who treats me very well, is very kind, giving, demands nothing of me, and I have a satisfying physical relationship with, but he's made it very clear that he is not in love with me and doesn't want anything to do with my family. Given his age and place in life, I wouldn't want a family with him either. It's just friends with benefits. The more time I spend with him getting physical affection and companionship, the more I feel the clinging to Robert loosening. This man makes being single less lonely. I feel like he fills a niche that makes me less desperate for that romantic love. I have a good home situation and a good job now. I'm enjoying focusing on myself and working out. My family is taking up more of my time. I don't need to feel desperate anymore. I have room to be patient.

I feel like there is somebody out there for me. I just need to let go of this idea of once-in-a-lifetime love. There's probably hundreds of men that would be a good match for me. That's what I was getting at with the whole arranged marriage thing. It's more important to me that our personalities and behavior fit well together than that thunderbolt strike of "HE'S THE ONE." It's not like what I want is so unusual. I need to just get out there socially, keep making friends, and participating in life. Someday I will meet somebody who wants the same things as me and is willing to do the work to build a life together.

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