The Harry and Sally Debate Continues

Alright, it seems that I need to tackle the Friends With Benefits topic. I’m getting a lot of questions about it. Let me start by saying that I actually overuse the term. I throw it around to mean anybody that I’ve seen more than once and slept with at least once, basically because I don’t have a term for guys that are in that weird limbo of not my boyfriend, not a real friend, yet I’ve had sex with. This is different from a ONS: One-Night Stand. Those are easy to identify. I’ve only had two real Friends With Benefits in my lifetime. One is still going strong at 2.5 years. The other turned into a boyfriend and that was not good.

I’ll start with Classic FWB. I met him during my VERY slutty phase after the divorce when ONSs were the norm. He called me back for a second ONS; is that an oxymoron? Weirdly, the second time we got into a lengthy discussion about philosophy. That was the start of being friends, at least on my part. I began to think this is somebody worth talking to. Over the next 2.5 years, we’ve gotten together semi-regularly for great sex and great conversations.

The most common question is, “If you can sustain a relationship for that long, why are you not a couple?” My answer is, “He’s a great friend but I’d hate him if I had to spend any real length of time with him.” The only reason we work is because we know that it’s NOT going anywhere. I could give you a whole list of why he’s wrong for me and why I’m wrong for him. In the beginning, maybe even the whole first year we knew each other, I had what I thought were romantic feelings for him. But the more I got to know him, the more I realized I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with the idea of him. He’s 10 years younger, he’s free to do what he wants, he’s fit and good-looking, he’s intelligent, and kinda dangerous. Once I got over that romanticizing, then things went from rocky and sometimes good to pretty consistently great. I know who he is when he’s with me and I know the parameters are not going to change. That’s remarkably freeing. I can enjoy time with him without all the garbage that is normally in between me and men.

FWB 2.0 was Robert. I met him while I was living in Houston during the summer of 2008. We started out as great friends, with great benefits. Both of us knew that it wasn’t going to be anything more than a summer fling because we live 2500 miles apart. Duh. That freed me up to say what I was honestly thinking and just be myself. He could either take it or leave it. And he took it. When I went home to Oregon, things got messy. He started calling me every day and saying sweet things and dammit if my heart didn’t get all stupid and start making the decisions.

I was supposed to go back to Houston in the Fall and I got all twitchy. I didn’t want to sleep with him because suddenly I “liked” him. Well, I went down there and I did sleep with him but things were not the same. I found myself holding my tongue more and trying to make him like me. Hello, Jen? He liked you before! After that I asked him to be my boyfriend and the rest is tragic history. Both of us started acting differently and soon, neither one of us liked ourselves OR each other. I am still kicking myself that we didn’t just stay friends. We were good friends and the sex was a great bonus. I know we would have lasted a LOT longer if things hadn’t gotten romantic.

So there you have it. I think you can be friends with a man AND have sex with him. It's complicated but it works when both parties are honest with why they are there and there is time apart to process for yourself. It doesn’t mean I don’t want a partner. I do, when the time and the man are right. In the meantime, I’d rather sleep with someone who respects me and who I trust than a stranger.

And No Message Could've Been Any Clearer...

Michael Jackson was the greatest entertainer of our generation! I went to see "This Is It" last night. Holy shit, that guy was a genius. I didn't really know what to expect. I kinda thought it would just be footage of him performing his songs and it was that partly. But it was more than that too. It was him choosing the best dancers, musicians, and technicians from all over the world. Then they showed the rehearsals of everybody together. I don't know where he found the woman who was on lead guitar but she was sick! He was fine tuning the dancers, the balance of instruments, the stage movements. He really knew music and choreography; actually just showmanship in general. The whole thing was going to be amazing. And here's the weirdest part for me: watching him dance and sing and work his magic, I completely forgot to look at his face and I completely stopped thinking of him as a ghoul. He became human and a damn talented one, maybe the most talented man I've ever seen.

This is all nostalgic for me too. When I was in the 4th grade, Mr. Scott's class, I saved up my money to buy my first album, "Thriller." I remember that it was $12.99. MTV had just started and every fourth video was "Beat It." I played that record until it wore out. Do you remember that the album cover folded open? I actually took an old record from my parents and started keeping "Thriller" in that cover so that I could hang the centerfold of MJ and the baby tiger up on my wall! And then my teacher, who was the first black man I ever knew, told me about The Jackson 5 and "Off the Wall." After that, forget it, I was gone. I was devoted to his music for the next 25 years.

Anyway, the theater was giving out laminated tickets on lanyards, y'know, like backstage passes. So now I have my last MJ souvenir.

Weight-Loss Puzzle

I'm in the middle of week three of my race training program. It's going really well. I've also been doing the weight machines MWF. The little aches and pains are subsiding, and I feel good. I can definitely feel changes happening. What I'm currently struggling with is the eating program. There are so many rules to follow i.e. this much protein, this much milk, this much whole grains, this much water. All of the rules are there for a good reason. It's supposed to provide structure as I learn what a balanced diet actually looks like. I'm just struggling to motivate myself to do the work it takes to eat that way.

I really don't like to cook and I also don't have a very adventurous palette. I seriously had the same lunch for all four years of high school. I'm perfectly happy to eat the exact same thing every day as long as it requires minimum effort and thinking. Right now, that is not cutting it. At first, I changed what I was eating to fit the amount of calories that I am allowed on the plan. That went pretty good for a while. I've been on that plan for six weeks. The problem is that even though it's low calories, it's not balanced. I'm not getting enough fruits/vegetables or dairy. My diet is almost completely protein and carbs.

I think what I need to do now is make a daily menu that fits all the rules and the calories and then stick to it for a long while. I don't get bored eating the same things every day if I like them. So that's my next project. I've been dragging my feet on it for weeks obviously. I just don't want to do the work. Food is utilitarian for me, it always serves a function, but it's not something I take pleasure in for it's own sake. Cooking is something I dread. I'm much happier with something I can microwave and be done with in a few minutes with no cleanup. I feel like I need to do a spreadsheet or something and come up with all the combinations that work. Then bag them up so I can just grab something out of the fridge and heat it up. I foresee a lot of baked chicken and steamed veggies in my future.

Religion Part Deux

After thinking about this subject, I decided to download and watch Bill Maher's "Religulous." What a bizarre movie. It's basically Bill getting into people's faces and pushing their buttons, but the results are thought-provoking. It reaffirmed for me that although I believe in a Higher Power, the religions of mankind are fucked up! :)

Let Us Sing

My first choir performance is coming up this Saturday. We had a dress rehearsal last night where we ran through the full set. This choir is amazing. I really don't know how to describe it: that many people singing their hearts out to a higher power, it's electrifying. Plus, we really get rockin'! We do a great set of foot-stompin', hand-clappin', Black gospel. It's so much fun. And I get a robe. I'm dorky enough that I think that's cool.

Many of you know that I've struggled with church for a long time. I just haven't found a place where I fit in. There was a church in Corvallis that I called home for a couple of years, but then I moved away. I haven't found one that I like here in Eugene. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't like most Christian churches. Plus, there's the problem that I don't believe that Christianity is the only path to God. For that matter, I don't believe in God, in the sense that there's a man in the sky who decides if good or bad happens to us. I do believe there is a force greater than the material world can account for in this universe. I believe it is a force of good and it's our job to get in harmony with this higher power.

Why do I consider myself a Christian? Well, there's the rudimentary stuff like that's the religion of my extended family, it's what I am traditionally familiar with, and I was baptized. I could just as easily have been born to Jews or Muslims and make that work for me. For me, even though I don't go to church anymore, I still identify as Christian because I think Jesus had the right ideas. He was a radical who wanted everybody to have food, shelter, and loving care. I agree with my whole heart. Do I think other prophets are valid? Absolutely. Buddha said the same things. So did Mother Theresa. There have been plenty of men and women through history who have had a special line to the divine. I think they all have something to teach us. Christianity is just the language that I know. It connects me to my history and gives me a framework for my politics.

Wow. How did I get off on this tangent? Oh yeah, choir. Choir is great and it's giving me that line to the divine.

Disneyland Postponed

Griffin has a fever of 102 degrees. No Disneyland this week.

Anthropology

I think it is in men's DNA to perceive women as non-entities. There are good men out there who fight their program and attempt to treat women well, but most of them don't bother. I will never stop being surprised by men who can casually play a persona to put a woman at ease and get her to do what he wants. Then as soon as he has gotten what he came for, the persona disappears completely. It is frightening to me that men can be so blasé about violating a woman in that way.

But what is it they say? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a hundred times, shame, shame, deep shame on me.