Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Peeking Around the Corner

I'm nervous to say this out loud for fear that I might somehow jinx it, but I believe I've turned a major corner in January. I feel better emotionally and physically than I have in a long time.

My mom was admitted into the cardiac unit again for the same angina that has been bothering her for months. The medication was not controlling it anymore. She had a blocked artery and wasn't getting enough oxygenated blood to her heart. She agreed to have a stent put in. That is a vast improvement because six months ago she refused. I had a terrible day where I couldn't feel anything but despair for the situation. She has given up on her health, and that's that.

It also brought up some feelings about the divorce that were unexpected. My husband left four years ago, and I keep thinking that the pain of that is over. Anyway, when I heard about my mom, I didn't know who to call. I don't have a husband or a boyfriend to help me deal with these things. That's one thing that I lost in the divorce, someone to help manage a crisis. Well, I called someone unexpected and had a good cry over the phone. That turned out to be ok. I put a message on Facebook, and lot of my friends responded. I'm not really alone. There are people who will help me if I'm willing to ask. Then two more friends called me later in the day. Again, people that I would not have expected. And they both offered useful words of wisdom.

Everyone had the same advice for me: you have to be afraid. There is no running away from or trying to bury fear. You just have to feel it and move through it. That was pretty awful to hear, but I knew that they were right. So I tried it. I didn't go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. I didn't go to Dairy Queen. I just felt sad and frightened for a whole day. And when I woke up the next morning, it was gone. I don't mean my feelings were gone, but the overwhelming pressure on my chest was gone. I could go about my day.

And I didn't turn to food for comfort.

I'm still sugar free after 25 days, and I have given up fast food as well. I'm steadily losing weight, but more importantly, my performance at the gym has seen significant improvement. I feel great. I jogged a mile today in 11:37. That's a personal best. :)

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