Tuesday, January 11, 2011

And Here I Go Again...

2010 was a strange year. In some ways, I wandered off the path of Project Jen. I quit watching my diet, I stayed with a bad coach too long for emotional reasons, and I put a romantic relationship above myself out of fear of being alone. In other ways, I did make some steps forward. I walked a half-marathon, starting competitive weightlifting, and put a lot of energy into my children. In terms of numbers, I was 13 lbs. heavier Jan. 1, 2011 than I was on Jan. 1, 2010. I kinda feel like the year was a wash. I didn't make significant movement forward or backward. Looking back, I can see that a lot of the good work that I was doing was being sabotaged by poor decisions that were based on fear and depression.

Which brings me to food. I've said many times, and will have to say many more times, that food is my addiction. I use it as a coping mechanism just like people use drugs or alcohol. My new coach, at my new gym, personally challenged me to give up sugar for one month in an attempt to break my addiction to using food as comfort. I decided this was a good opportunity to go back to Weight Watchers and try to tackle my bad behaviors with food.

I have been sugar free for 10 days now and also I'm back to following the Weight Watchers program. I lost 4 pounds in the first week. And that's great, but actually I'm more proud of the choices that I have been making when faced with pain or fear. In these 10 days, I have been sorely tested and the pull to binge has been great.

My mother's health continues to deteriorate while her denial deepens. Recently, she literally locked herself in her room rather than listen to concerns about her diabetes, hearth disease, arthritis, etc. etc. (the bedroom where she has a "secret" stash of candy bars.) I learned that my Aunt Joyce is having her SECOND leg removed due to diabetes! And I also decided to end my 2+ year relationship because I don't want to keep compromising myself. He was my best friend. I am depressed people. And I am angry.

But instead of eating chocolate cake or ice cream or going through the drive-thru, I am channeling my feelings into action. These things are making me angry and I feel something completely new: defiance. I do NOT want to be sick and obese and sad. I want to show all of these people that I am stronger than that. I can take care of myself and choose happiness. When I am faced with something that upsets me, I want to rebel against the choices of others and NOT eat. That's new. I have never associated opting to not eat as the self-reward. But defying the pull of all these people around me who are selfish, and making my own happiness, feels like a reward. My relatives can kill themselves. I can't control that. My ex can be ego-centric. I can't control that. All I can control is myself.

And I desperately want to control myself.


  1. I'm here for you, sister! If you ever find yourself about to eat something you shouldn't give me a call and I'll send Noah to your house to eat it for you. It would help me out, too, since I've given up on feeding them.

  2. You're a freaking rock star, and I don't use that term for just anyone. And I miss ya. It's going to be a great year.

  3. Jen, I'm so proud of you! I really look up to you also. I didn't know all those things were going on for you. I and sending you lots of positive energy!! Karin